Because of the nature of attachment, the 1st state preceding the actual loss experience is fear of loss.

This is usually defended in 2 ways:

1) Increase the intensity of attachment by ever-persistent attempts to strengthen the bonds.

This approach is based on the fantasy that the “greater the bond, the less likelihood of loss.” However, this manoeuvre often precipitates loss in relationships.

The more you seek an outcome, the more your counterpart will move in the opposite direction.

2) Fear of loss => It is handled by the psychological denial mechanism.

=> Refusing the inevitable => All the warning signs are there, but the person does not want to see them, so they remain blind.

Loss can be anticipated. It is about handling the various fears associated with and detaching from them one fear at a time.

The loss of what is essential creates a feeling of rage, which will be projected onto the world.

Anger results from a prior refusal to accept that all relationships are transitory.

What do you usually do?

You furiously try to re-intensify existing bonds to compensate for the loss.

In relationships, it takes the form of overcompensating behaviour. The spouse becomes more dutiful, loving and attentive to prevent a breakup.

The inattentive hubby suddenly starts bringing gifts and flowers instead of getting to the root cause of the problem.

When the denial breaks down, the manipulation has not worked, and the fear dissipates, then depression sets in, and you will go through the actual process of grief and mourning.

This is not bad; to properly forego the outcome, acknowledgement and relinquishing anger are the first steps.

Another byproduct of grief emanating from loss is the feeling of guilt.

When you think the loss represents a punishment or had you had a different attitude or behaviour, it would have prevented it from happening.

Unless you let it go, you will feel rage and anger.

If you don’t, you will project onto others by blaming them.

And you won’t give a chance to relationships, making them fail.

Learn from your mistakes from the past, but don’t use your past failures as a reason why you don’t deserve success.

Acceptance is different from resignation.

When you are resigned, residuals of the previous emotions remain.

Resignation => “I don’t like it, but I have to put up with it”

With Acceptance, you have serenity.

Remember, all relationships are transitory, and the basis of grief is attachment.

Look into your life and your attachments and ask yourself:

“What internal needs are they satisfying?”

“What feeling could come up if I were to lose them?”

“How can I decrease the extent and the number of my attachments to external objects and people?”

The greater the attachment to that outside of ourselves, the greater our overall vulnerability to loss.

The more loving we are to ourselves, the less vulnerable we are to grief and loss, and the less we need to seek attachment.

If you own that mindset, it will free you from the risk of potential future heartbreaks, and you will build that mental fortitude you need to navigate today’s dating environment.

If you are going through the process, don’t be too hard on yourself; time is your best friend. Once you have processed it, what was initially painful becomes an inside joke to yourself.

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