Part 1

So a sneaky link asked to come over. It had been 3 months since I had heard from her.

I said "fine". Agreed on the time.

She sent me the Bolt (Uber Competitor) notification.

She arrived with no make-up… 😑

She came in and I asked:

"Where have you been? Not heard from you in a while"

She had been gallivanting around. Portugal, Indonesia, and she mentioned a third place I forgot about already. She mentioned some type of boat trip…

Bear in mind that in February, she had already been to Brazil.

She confirmed to me that she secured her work contract as permanent, and I congratulated her on it.

She was wearing a close-to-the-body dress with a jacket. When she took the coat off, I could tell she indulged herself a bit too much on her trips abroad. The last time I saw her, she was thin.

Now I could see a cinnamon roll just above the pantie line…

"Someone put on a bit of weight in my absence."

She could not believe I said that.

"That is so rude, you can't say that."

"It is not that bad, don't worry, I indulged myself a bit if that can make you feel better."

"I did not come here to be insulted."

"It is just constructive feedback."

And I added:

"If you want, you can go back home."

"Yes, I will do."

She ordered the cab. Funnily enough, it was apparently the same cab that dropped her at mine when she saw the notification.

"I am sure you will be able to tell the cab driver the reason why you left so early"

She eventually said that she would rather use a dildo than fuck me.

"It sure won't have a slippy tongue".

And she left without saying goodbye.

Don't think I will ever see her again.

Oh well.

Jacques Chirac, former French president, was known for his conquests, as they said about him, "12 minutes shower included".

In that respect, it was 15 minutes before she got drenched by the British summer rain.

Part 2

2 weeks later.

If you had asked me at 8 pm if I would get lucky, I would have priced it at 95%.

I had two girls double-booked coming to my usual bar. Both set up at 10 pm. 2 new girls.

One is coming from a festival close by. The other one is coming for a piss-out day on a rare sunny day in London.

The first one ended up calling me, complaining she could not find a cab, saying at worst she should be 1 hour late. I told her not to mind knowing I had my backup plan for 10 pm, who also said she was on her way. 20 min before her supposed arrival, she went dark. I waited until her supposed arrival and discounted that she was flaking.

"Well, this is a bummer, but I am not going to let these two let-downs disappoint my night, I am going to get some new panties by the skin of my teeth".

Little did I know what the universe had for me.

I decided to go to one of my usual pick-up spots. Greeted my bouncer bros. When I ordered my drink, a 50+ year old started hitting on me. Northern Irish, she was friendly and offered me to join her pensioner friends, but declined the offer.

I decided to go to the above floor, greeting my other bouncer friend. This is where I bumped into an Asian person, who I could tell was from Australia, on the stairs on the way up.

She was wearing Santiags, a short Skirt, a tight crop top, and I could see her nipples behind the jean jacket she was wearing. Her make-up was done properly, her hairstyle was good, the right slag attitude, and she had a nice face. The upstairs area was being moved downstairs, thus closed. When my bouncer friend saw me, I put in a word to him to see if I could use the couch to speak with that Asian chick. He nodded, "Of course, my friend".

So, we had the area for the two of us. The original thread she started was about her job (nigga please). She told me she was in Tech at one of the SaaS blue-chip companies. When she asked me, I lied and said I worked for one of the biggest tech companies (Asian values big corporates). With my background, I knew I could live up to the lie. And so, I did.

"It is so great to be able to speak to someone about this."

I decided to cut the thread as it is a Saturday night, and do I really wanna talk about software? She eventually came back to the subject (I must have rolled my eyes). She was tipsy drunk.

"Can you control yourself? I don't want to take advantage of you."

"I am a bit drunk, but I am a bit awkward" (Why I don't like dealing with Asians, with all of their self-consciousness, even through alcohol).

Despite that, I could tell we were really vibing.

I told her to chill and reassured her. She eventually let on that she liked me and was leaning on me to hug her. We finished our drinks. She went on:

"Who are you here with?"

"On my own"

"You should join my friend group."

She told me about the birthday party she was part of. So, I thought I might as well, to gain the friend's goodwill before closing the deal.

We go down, and she brings forward the Birthday Girl.

Lo and behold, it was my sneaky link, whom I told had put on a bit of weight, and she stormed out of my flat, missing what she was originally coming to get.

"Hey, I have to introduce you to X, whom I just met." said my little Asian when seeing the Bday girl.

The face of the birthday girl when she saw me was not the warmest, to say the least.

"I know him." she said in the most emotionless way.

She started talking to the ear of my petite Asian, who eventually told me she had "to take a tour".

For Fuck Sake, are you bloody kidding me? I thought to myself, the Lord is definitely sending me a sign.

After this, I decided to give up. What were sure slam dunks ended up being 3 bad beats.

In poker, it would be called a "runner-runner". Having gone on downswing sessions, I function under the following rule:

Once it is an occurrence.

Second, it is a coincidence.

Third, it is a recurrence.

To add insult to injury, the Asian Girl was fitter than the Bday girl.

I decided to call it a night, but I decided to have one last drink for the road.

At the bar, the original 50+ year old Pensioner was standing next to me, but she was speaking to some olive-skinned dude. She gave me the eye.

"Don't go there to prove anything to yourself, you are not cursed for the night." I said to myself.

Some white guy decided to order a drink next to me. We looked into each other and decided to greet one another. We introduced ourselves. He told me his name.

"You are French?" I said to him

"You are French too?" he asked me

"Yeah"

"Putain fréro" (Translation: Fuck yeah, bro)

He then asked me: "You are on your own, right?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Me too" (It was the Spider-Man meme)

"Putain les charos" (Translation: "Charo" meaning night scavengers).

He was good-looking and in shape, and we exchanged IGs. Happened to be a finance bro.

"You have been living here for a while, haven't you?" I asked

"How do you know?"

"You have style, you don't dress like the average French guy in London."

"Yeah, been here 10 years", he was about my age.

We went on chatting for a further 5 minutes. Then the olive-skin guy, initially speaking to the Pensioner, heard us speaking French. We learned he was a Moroccan who also came on his own, and when he realised, we also did:

"Charo Charo."

"Brother is thirsty.” I joked.

"Do you know how old she was?" he asked me.

"55?"

"57, she is looking good for her age."

"A man has gotta do what he has gotta do"

Soon after, my French friend locked eyes with two tall blonde girls, and he started chatting to the half-decent one. He left me with the gargoyle one. As the dutiful wingman I am, I took it on myself to divert the attention of the potential cockblocker.

I learned through discussing with her that he was working a dead-end with the target he was chatting up.

In the meantime, even though I was not that interested in the girl, I could tell I managed to get her engaged.

Then the original Australian Asian girl came to me and the blonde to interrupt the conversation:

"Sorry to disturb you," she said to the girl I was chatting with, and then asked: "Did you actually tell my best friend she was fat?"

"I said she put a bit of weight on, not fat." (nuance was apparently lost on her)

The blonde girl joined in, "You actually said that." All were shocked.

Which interrupted the conversation with the French guy, to eventually hijack the dynamic he was having with the girl.

Shortly after they left, the bar was closing, and we went on our way and took the tube. He eventually told me he used to live in NY. So, I asked him how the nightlife is there compared to London.

"Mate, so much better, I literally had fuck all to do, the girls are legit down. You can be at the bar with your friends, and they hit on you hard. Slap your ass, stare at you, or even just talk to you straight up.

When I had someone hit my ass, I thought it was a whale or a gay guy, but they were actually legit good. Much better than here. You have stunners there, and when they hear the accent, easy peasy.

Here you have bang-average girls looking down at you, over there the good-looking ones chase you."

I asked:

"When was the last time you went?"

"2 months ago. Actually, my married friend and I were sitting on a bench outside, having a beer at 11 pm, and we had two groups of girls inviting us to join them at the bar they were going to within an hour.

Even the waitresses would leave their number on the receipt"

I thought, "This is too good to be true," so I queried about Paris.

"Fuck Parisian bitches, fucking hard work, never going back there"

Ok, so he is not embellishing it all.

The backup plan from earlier eventually texted me, but she ultimately did not leave. I ignored her out of contempt and disgust.

Lesson for the night:

Don't force things. Some nights are just not meant to be, especially when you built bad Karma.

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