The expressions "growth mindset" and "healing" have always sounded fake to me because it is rooted in the idea that something is wrong with you, often to sell you a magic formula.

As we get older and more experienced, we evolve and we adapt, so instead of looking at it as a vertical scale from 0 to 10, I look at it as a spectrum.

Just as being an introvert or an extrovert is not right or wrong, it is just a tendency, and it is not for you to change. This idea of a growth mindset is tied to the notion that you should never be satisfied with who you are; you should be growing, but to where? You need to have X to become a better person... What if it does not rhyme with you? Will that make you a lesser person? The reality is that your traits and other characteristics are going to be compatible with some people and not with others.

Some personalities will naturally be more liked than others, and if you are not one of them, that is fine. You don't have 9 out of 10 personality and 2 out of 10 personality. The idea that a personality being more popular than another does not make it more worth it.

Using an example:

Say you suffered a heartbreak, whether you are a man or a woman, and you recovered from the disappointment. Did you grow? Did you heal? Most likely, you are the same person; at best, you have learned some lessons, but the fact that it did not work with that individual and you understand why, does that make you a better person who has grown?

Horsehit, it just makes you more aware, but it won't change your core personality, which will remain more or less the same, with more scars and positive or negative defence mechanisms as compensation.

You may adapt on the margin in the subsequent interactions with the opposite sex, but that is about it. Most likely, you were not compatible from the beginning, or anymore.

Realising that does not give you any brownie points, you have just dropped your ego and called a spead a spead. You may have gained some wisdom, granted. It's even better if you can act on the lessons from it afterwards. It just made you more versatile on that spectrum.

Staying or leaving that person does not make you a better or worse person. This whole idea that you grew out of the other is bollocks, you just have developed different priorities that don't match one another anymore.

Say you stay with that person because you were not "weak" anymore, when you have not changed your behaviour from the onset. It is not that you were weak; it is just that they don't fancy you anymore, and they put a negative framing to pin the blame on you because they don't want to own the responsibility they have just checked out of boredom.

This idea of healing is that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do, when you are just being human. You were disappointed, and you need to overgrow that natural feeling, another self-soothing gaslight to make you uncomfortable with who you are as a person for feeling the way you do. You are not healing; you are letting water go under the bridge. This self-empowerment BS is just there to deny the necessary surrendering to our emotions, which is essential to move on.

Is my personality better than it was 10 years ago? No

Have I evolved? Yes

Have I become wiser? Yes

Am I more versatile? Yes

Have I grown? My growth stopped at 18 at 6'2, though I acquired new skills, which made me more well-rounded.

Are some skills better than others? It only depends on whether it fits the purpose you follow, and that, you are the only one who knows that.

One of the never-ending races of people drunk on self-improvement and the personal growth industry is that they have a problem accepting who they are because they always feel incomplete, looking at the shiny new object. Have there been some fundamental transformations? For sure, some people are more open to change than others, and some are not.

There are some great teachings, don't get me wrong, especially there are some self-limiting beliefs which can easily be addressed at the margin, but the trap is never accepting oneself at the core with their internal mechanisms.

When teaching about Frame, some guys will ask for a model that fits all that they want to replicate.

You have many frames, some stronger than others, yet trying to replicate one that doesn't align with your temperament will feel off. You can have frame and it can be totally different from someone who also has a strong frame.

It is harder for very plastic people to develop frame, because they are always questioning or doubting themselves, thinking they are not enough.

Some behaviours need to be eliminated as they benefit no one across the whole spectrum, but some characteristic traits will make sense for an individual but not for another, based on where they are coming from. Trying to change them is wrong-minded and short-sighted, as it will be incongruent with the core.

You are not growing, you are evolving and adapting to ever-changing dynamics.

You are not healing; you are moving through the motions.

None is to be cheered about or patted on the back for it. These are just part of life.

It is more crucial to understand who you are and have the courage to be disliked than to seek the new thing that will make you feel like you're moving forward, but you are actually going two steps back, because you still don't know where you are based in the personality spectrum, as you are constantly not accepting who you are.